Understand the common experiences with suicide bereavement. People bereaved by suicide often experience complicated bereavement, with feelings of shock, social isolation, anger and guilt in addition to grief.
Losing someone to suicide (also called suicide bereavement) can be a traumatic and complex experience. In addition to grief, you may also have feelings of shock, confusion, loneliness, anger, and guilt. The sudden and unexpected nature of the death can also add to the distress you are feeling.
You may find yourself constantly searching for answers, regretting conversations you had or didn’t have, feeling upset that you couldn’t prevent the death, or worrying about what others will think.
While the circumstances around a suicide can be complicated and confusing, please know that you are not responsible for what happened. You have no reason to blame yourself. It’s okay not to have all the answers, even though that can feel very difficult.
Bereavement following a suicide is different for everyone. You may find that the intensity of grief rises and falls, with periods of relief in between.
There is no set timeframe for how long the grieving process takes. Each person’s experience is unique, so try to avoid measuring your progress against someone else’s. Grief rarely follows a straight line, and no two experiences are the same.
People bereaved by suicide experience a wide range of emotions. Some of the feelings described below may resonate with you, while others may not. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Initial feelings of grief after a suicide usually include a sense of shock and disbelief. This may feel particularly intense as the death was unexpected. Accepting the death of a loved one is not an easy task. It is not uncommon for those bereaved by suicide to expect their loved ones to walk through the door or feel like they are in a dream state. This feeling of disbelief is usually a natural protective mechanism which will dissipate over time as you start to adjust to the death and the absence of the person from your life.
Feeling deep sadness is one of the most common responses when someone dies, but after a suicide, it can feel particularly intense. You may also be grieving the future you’ve lost, including plans you made together and the milestones you won’t share.
This sadness can feel like an emptiness that doesn’t go away, as if life has lost meaning or won’t improve. Some people experience these feelings in waves, while others find them constant and overwhelming. The weight of grief can sometimes make you question your own wellbeing or worry that you’re not coping. If your feelings become unbearable or you’re concerned about your mental health, please reach out for professional support.
One of the hardest aspects of bereavement following suicide is never fully understanding why this has happened, even if you were aware of some of the difficulties the person was facing.
The question of ‘why’ is one that can repetitively trouble those bereaved by suicide because, in many cases, it can never truly be resolved. It may help to talk about these recurring thoughts with a counsellor or psychologist, either in person or online. You can call Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 at any time to speak to a counsellor.
While it’s natural to search for answers, be aware of how this affects your wellbeing. It’s important to know that you bear no responsibility for what happened, and there is no reason to blame yourself. It may feel uncomfortable not having all the answers, but this is a normal part of the experience. It’s important to remember that suicide is complex, and there is often no single reason for why they died.
People bereaved following suicide often experience feelings of guilt and a sense of failure that the suicide was not prevented. You may feel you should have seen it coming, or that you could have done more to prevent it.
People often worry about not having picked up on cues or the suicidal behaviour prior to the death. It’s important to remember that it is easier to recognise a person’s distress in hindsight, and that the level of support you offered them was based on your understanding of their situation at the time.
When you notice yourself being self-critical, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would offer a close friend facing a similar situation. If you find yourself thinking ‘I should have known’ or ‘I could have prevented this’, gently remind yourself that you acted on the information and understanding you had at that time.
Anger with the deceased person is a common reaction, but it can feel confusing. You may feel angry at them for leaving and causing so much pain. You might find yourself blaming someone you perceive as having contributed to the suicide for not having done more. You may also feel angry at yourself for not preventing the suicide.
Talking about the anger you are feeling often helps. Alternatively, you may find that physical activity, such as walking or playing sport, enables you to release pent-up anger.
The stigma attached to suicide may compound your grief. You may be unsure what to tell people for fear they’ll judge you or the deceased, which can leave you feeling isolated. This stigma can make you reluctant to seek support, make you feel that your grief doesn’t matter, and create pressure to move on quickly. For some people, it can also cause spiritual or religious distress.
Talking with others who understand and accept what has happened can ease some of these feelings. Close friends may want to have a conversation with you about the death and how they can support you but may not know how to begin. You can open the door by staying in touch with them and, when you’re ready, letting them know what would be meaningful for you.
If it feels like people in your life are pulling away, that doesn’t always mean stigma is to blame. After any major loss, people often struggle to find the right words or know how to offer comfort. It’s quite common to feel disconnected from others and to experience strain in your relationships during bereavement.
You may feel relief after the person’s death, especially if you watched them struggle with stressful, traumatic, or difficult challenges over time. Feeling relieved that they are no longer suffering can be confusing, and it’s common for guilt to follow. Remember that all your emotions are part of the healing process. Try not to judge yourself for what you’re feeling
Losing someone to suicide is a distressing event that may lead to mental health issues. These can include anxiety, depression, self-harm, problematic substance use, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
The pain of grieving can sometimes be so intense that you might experience suicidal thoughts yourself. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important to get professional help.
It’s okay if you’re struggling to cope, but reaching out for support is important. As isolating as grief can feel, you’re not alone, and there are people who want to help. You can contact Suicide Call Back Service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 1300 659 467 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Taking care of your mental and physical health is important while you’re grieving. Try to eat and sleep well and set aside time for exercise. Spend time with nurturing people and ensure you have the time to yourself that you need.
Finding ways to process what you’re thinking and feeling is an important part of the grieving process. Strategies that may be helpful include:
Significant events, holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can evoke intense feelings and memories. Be prepared for such events and have a plan in place, such as being with a friend or family member. Some people find that rituals can help commemorate the person’s life. It could be as simple as lighting a candle or reading a poem. Photographs, storytelling, or a memory box can also help you to reflect on the person’s life.
Connecting with others is an important way to take care of your mental health and wellbeing. When you feel ready, spend time with people who are comfortable hearing you talk about the person you’ve lost and celebrating their life. Sharing memories, stories and special moments can be a meaningful way to honour the person and acknowledge the difference they made.
You might also consider joining support groups designed specifically for people who have experienced suicide bereavement, such as those facilitated by Griefline.
If you’re finding it hard to communicate with others or maintain your relationships, Relationships Australia offers resources and information that may help.
Working with a bereavement counsellor or psychologist can provide valuable support as you work through complicated emotions, trauma, and grief.
Here are some ways to find grief-specific services:
Just as the reasons behind each suicide are unique, so too are the reactions and coping processes of those left behind.
Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the sadness but also give yourself permission to feel happiness and to make plans for the future.
How long you grieve is not a measure of how much you loved the person who died. You’ll never forget, but you are allowed to move forward.
If you have lost someone to suicide, and need someone to talk to, call Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 to speak to a counsellor. To access online counselling, click the chat button on the right. Our service is free and available 24/7.
If it is an emergency, please call 000.
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