Supporting young children bereaved by suicide

Understanding grief in young children bereaved by suicide 

Children react to and express their grief differently from adults.  

Children often express their feelings through their behaviour. With young children, they may start acting out, fearing that others will leave them, or returning to earlier behaviours like bedwetting and thumb-sucking. You may also notice separation anxiety and changes in appetite. 

Children’s grief may come and go. At times, they might seem unaffected, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling the loss. Your child might be feeling confused, frightened or sad. 

The information below provides some ways to help you navigate this difficult time.

Talking about a suicide death with children

Your first instinct may be to protect the child by withholding the truth. But children are much more able to deal with difficult situations if you are honest about what has happened.  

Children are also sensitive to change, and they may overhear adult conversations. To avoid children filling in the gaps with their own conclusions, you should try to have the conversation with your child as soon as possible.  

Here are some tips for the conversation:

• Ensure that you talk to the child in a safe space where there are no distractions.
• Try to talk to your child as soon as possible. Outline the things you would like them to know; these may be facts about the death, how you and others are feeling, and inviting but not requiring the child to engage in the conversation with you.  
• It is best to be honest (in an age-appropriate way) about the circumstances of the death when supporting your child. At some point, the truth will come out, and it is better for the child to be told in a safe and nurturing space by a main caregiver than to receive only half the truth from someone else.  
• Reassure the child that they did not cause the death. Children may be asking themselves, “Did I cause this to happen?” and often feel guilty or responsible for the death. 
• It’s unlikely to be a one-off conversation. Over time, provide opportunities to talk and ask questions.  

Supporting children using age-appropriate language

• Explain truthfully in simple terms that the person has died. There is no need to go into upsetting or unnecessary details. 
• When supporting young children, it may be helpful to ask what they think “died”, “suicide” or “being dead” means. This provides an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings they have about death or suicide. 
• Avoid telling the child that the person has “gone to sleep” or “left us”, as these statements can easily be misunderstood. Children tend to take things literally, and these statements can cause anxiety about sleeping or feelings of being abandoned. 
• If you are unsure how to answer questions that a child may ask or how to talk to your child, seek advice. You may wish to contact Suicide Call Back Service for online or phone counselling or search for bereavement services in your area.  

If you have told a different story

It’s not too late to be honest with your child if you have already told them a different story about the circumstances of the death. 

You can explain that sometimes adults can have difficulty talking to children about these things, and you didn’t know how best to explain the death at the time. Apologising and telling the truth about the death helps to build trust. 

Ongoing support for young children 

Showing your emotions

It is okay for children to see you show emotions. Seeing adults grieve helps children understand that sadness is a normal response to loss and gives them permission to express their own feelings. 

Participating in family rituals and the funeral

The memorial or funeral service provides an opportunity for children to say goodbye and express their grief. It is important for the child to feel involved. 

One way to involve your child is to invite them to contribute to the funeral service by choosing a favourite song, writing a letter or drawing a card. 

Prior to attending the funeral service, it would be helpful to discuss with your child what will happen at the funeral, where it will be held and what it will look like. You could also mention that people will be sad and quiet, so they are prepared for what the service will be like.

Importance of memories

Memories not only help children maintain a connection with the deceased but also play a role in the child’s grieving process. With your child, you can create a memory box that contains mementos like photos, cards, artworks, or pressed flowers. You could also look at photos, draw a picture, light a candle, or share a special meal. 

Preparing for school

Advise the schoolteachers and school counsellors of the circumstances before the child returns to school. You may also want to rehearse with the child what they will say to their friends and teachers, so they feel well prepared. Maintain contact with the teachers and inform them of any anniversary dates and extra stressful times. 

Keeping routines

While adults may step back from their usual responsibilities as they grieve, children still need to maintain their daily routine for a sense of security. They need to know they will be safe and cared for. Reassure them that it is okay to feel happy, laugh and play. They don’t have to feel sad all the time. 

Self-care and support

It can be difficult as a parent or the primary caregiver to tend to your child’s needs when you may be struggling with your own grief. Please make sure that you  look after yourself  and build a support network around you so that you do not have to go through this alone. 

If you have lost someone to suicide and need someone to talk to, call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 to speak to a counsellor. Our service is free and available 24/7.

If it is an emergency, please call 000.