The idea of talking to children about suicide can often be daunting for parents or carers. You or someone else may be faced with the situation where there is a need to talk to and support a child who has lost a family member or friend to suicide.
This guide is intended to provide insight into how best to talk to and support a child bereaved by suicide.
Common grief reactions
Children react to and express their grief differently from adults. They often express their feelings through their behaviour and play.
As a main carer you may notice the child regressing to younger behaviours such as wetting the bed, or becoming clingy, anxious, and demanding of your attention.
The child may also express their grief through play, resorting to repeating the same game or story over and over again or perhaps including re-enactments of death and violence in their play. These types of behaviour and play are normal for the grieving child.
Talking about a suicide death
- Ensure that you talk to the child in a safe space where there are no distractions.
- It is important that you talk to the child as soon as possible.
- Be honest: at some point the truth will come out, and it is better for the child to be told in a safe and nurturing space by a main caregiver than for the child to receive only half the truth from someone else. Furthermore, research has shown that not telling the truth can interfere with the grieving process and long-term adjustment.
- Reassure the child that they did not cause the death. Children may be asking, "Did I cause this to happen?" and often feel guilty or responsible for the death.
Age-appropriate language
- Explain truthfully on a level that the child can understand what caused the death. There is no need to go into upsetting or unnecessary details.
- With young children it may be helpful to ask what they think suicide and being dead means. This provides an opportunity to correct any misunderstandings they have about death or suicide.
- The word suicide can present some confusion for young children. It is here that you could say that the person 'killed themselves' rather than completed suicide.
- One way to describe suicide to a young child is by saying that the person 'made their body stop working'.
- Children will continue to ask questions. Be patient and open to these questions whilst bearing in mind the child's age and level of understanding.
- If unsure how to answer questions that a child may ask, or ways to talk to the child, seek advice. You may wish to seek some counselling face to face, or contact SuicideLine (VIC), Lifeline, Parentline or MensLine Australia for telephone counselling.
Avoid euphemisms or clichés
Avoid telling the child that the person has "gone to sleep", "passed away" or "left us", as these statements can easily be misunderstood. Such statements can cause anxiety about sleeping or feelings of being abandoned.
If you have told a different story or lied
It's not too late to tell your child if you have already told them a different story about the circumstances of the death.
Be honest: you may want to tell the child that you didn’t know how to explain to them about the death, that at the time you thought it was best and that sometimes adults can have difficulties talking to children about these things. Tell them that you realise now that they need to know the truth and apologise for lying.
Through apologising and correcting truths about the death, this allows you to be role model through teaching children a valuable lesson about how lies can be corrected.
Concerns about copycat behaviour
A common concern for parents or main carers is about their children copying suicidal behaviour. Here, it is important to encourage the child to talk about their feelings whenever they are feeling down or sad. Through explaining that the deceased person was unhappy and that sometimes people find it hard to talk about their problems or worries you can emphasise the importance of the child talking to someone that they trust, whether it be a relative, school teacher, or counsellor. Explore possible key persons that the child can talk to if you or their main carer is not available.
Participating in family rituals and the funeral
The viewing and funeral service provides an opportunity for children to say goodbye and allows for the child to express some grief. It is important for the child to feel important and involved. One way to involve the child in the service is to invite the child to contribute to the funeral service by choosing a favourite song, writing a letter or drawing a card.
Prior to attending the funeral service it would be helpful to discuss with the child what will happen at the funeral, where it will be held and what it will look like. You could also mention that people will be sad or quiet so they are prepared for what the service will be like. It might help to arrange a caring adult to look after the child during the service if needed.
If a viewing is held, depending on circumstances of death, it might be helpful to go into the room yourself first so that you can prepare the child for what the room will look like and how the deceased person will look.
Importance of memories
Memories not only remind the child of the relationship that they have with the deceased but also play a critical role in the child’s grieving process. There are a number of activities children can do to evoke or symbolize their relationship with the deceased. Some examples include:
Creating a memory box or memory book which may contain photos, poems, artworks, pressed flowers or other mementos. Other rituals could include:
- Looking at and discussing photos.
- Creating a painting or drawing.
- Planting a tree
Dealing with the school
- It is important that you don’t assume that the school teachers or counsellors know what has happened.
- Contact the school and advise them of the death and circumstances before your child goes back to school.
- Maintain contact with the teachers and inform them of any anniversary dates and extra stress times.
- You may also want to rehearse with the child what they will say to their friends or teachers so that they are well prepared.
At home
Whilst adults may be grieving and their jobs or day-to-day duties are put on hold, children still need to adhere to their daily routine. It is vital for the child’s sense of consistency and security that daily routines are kept consistent (i.e. bedtimes, play, mealtimes). Children need to know who will be there to care for them. In the circumstances where it is the parent who has completed suicide, the child needs to be reassured that they will be safe and cared for. Let them know that it is okay to feel happy, laugh and play. They don’t have to feel sad all the time.
Self-care and support
It can be often be difficult as a parent or main carer to tend to your own child’s needs and maintain routines when you yourself may be struggling with your own grief. This is where it is vital that you surround yourself with some extra support so that you do not have to go through this alone.
Extra support can be accessed through friends, relatives, attending a support group and seeking professional support such as a counsellor, psychologist or local GP. Talking to telephone counsellor with services such as SuicideLine (VIC), Hopeline, Lifeline, Parentline, MensLine Australia or Griefline may also be helpful.
See Community resources for where to get further information and contact details.
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