I feel like it's my fault

Sometimes people can blame themselves when someone they are close to or concerned about feels suicidal.

This is often the case when relationships break down or when one’s children feel suicidal.

In some situations, the suicidal person might be saying this to you directly, or you might simply feel that you are in some way responsible or have done something to cause them to feel this way.

It is important for you to understand that it is not your fault. The suicidal person’s thoughts and feelings are based upon:

Their own interpretation of the stressful events, traumas or difficult circumstances that they have experienced or are currently experiencing, and
Their current view of the future, which could very well appear hopeless to them right now.

If your partner or spouse is suicidal

People who are thinking about suicide are often contending with several stressful life events or traumatic situations at the same time. The reason(s) your partner or spouse has for thinking about ending their life might have nothing to do with your relationship.

Whilst you and the suicidal person might be experiencing relationship conflict together, it is important for you to remember that your partner or spouse is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings, just as you are responsible for your own thoughts and feelings.

When relationships breakdown and a separation occurs

People can often feel suicidal following a relationship breakdown or separation. In this situation, it is more often the person left behind who feels suicidal rather than the person who has chosen to end the relationship.

The person who made the decision to end the relationship has usually gone through a substantial grieving and letting go process before leaving the relationship. In most cases, they are looking to the future.

In contrast, whilst the person left behind might have been aware of conflict or problems within the relationship, it often comes as a shock when their partner leaves the relationship, and they begin to grieve. At this point in time, the one left behind might become suicidal, as they are experiencing the intense pain of grief and might not be able to see a future without the other person (their former partner or spouse).

It is important for you to remember that whilst the ending of a relationship might be one of the crises that the suicidal person is going through, you are not to blame for your former partner’s suicidal thoughts and intentions. Remember:

This separation/ relationship breakdown could be one of several stressful life situations that you former partner or spouse is experiencing.
Your former partner or spouse has become suicidal as a result of their interpretation of the crises or difficult situations that they are going through and their current perception that the future either looks bleak or non-existent to them.
If you have decided to leave a relationship, your decision to end the relationship was probably based on an evaluation over time that this relationship was doing you more harm than good. It is important for you to keep in mind your reasons for choosing to end the relationship, as people sometimes feel obligated to return to or stay in a dysfunctional relationship when their former partner or spouse becomes suicidal.

If you have separated from your partner or spouse, and your 'ex' becomes suicidal, it might be that you are not in a position to be around to support your former partner or spouse through their suicidal crisis. That is understandable.

This is a decision that you need to make for yourself, keeping in mind both your reasons for leaving the relationship and your need to care for your own wellbeing.

It might help for you to talk to someone outside of the situation about this, such as a professional helper, or a helpline such as the Suicide Call Back Service or MensLine Australia. See Community Resources for further information.

One way to avoid being drawn back into the relationship if your former partner or spouse contacts you and threatens suicide is to seek the assistance of Emergency Services. If you believe their life is at immediate risk, it is recommended that you contact an Emergency Service such as the police, ambulance service or local Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT). See Emergency Information for further information.